


I know you hate me for what I did, but even so I still love you till eternity

by Haru_kom_trikru



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-21 01:59:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11933952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haru_kom_trikru/pseuds/Haru_kom_trikru
Summary: Hello my dear clexa shipper, this is a Oneshot that I created while remembering the Reunion of Clarke and Lexa when Roan brought Wanheda to Polis. It is from Lexas point of view and how she feels since her betrayal. I hope you like it. Its my first time trying to wirte in english, but since it is just a Oneshot I wanted to try my best. I do not own the 100 and mistakes are all my own.





	I know you hate me for what I did, but even so I still love you till eternity

Finally the time was ripe. They had found Clarke at last. Weeks had passed since I had sent my trustworthest Warriors out to find the blonde Angel and bring her to me. All that happened discretly of course, but I even had made a deal with the banished prince of azgeda just so that he brought Clarke to me instead to his own mother the Icequeen. She would have brought Clarke only Death.. I swore that I would never let that happen again. My loved one brutally killed from the hand of my archenemy since I became Heda and even before that. She always hated my guts. Hated how I behaved. Not again would Nia destroy my Heart. Even if Clarke hated me right now for the decision I had to make at mount weather. Even if she would hate me forever, I would never let it happen that Nia got Hands on my loved Skyprincess. 

I had to do what I had to keep my People save. They trusted me, they fighted for me till the death and fighting this battle against the Mountain would probably have killed almost all of them and that was not a good solution at the moment. I had seen a chance to save my people without losing more at the cost of the Skypeople. I hated it to betray Clarke but it was the only way at that moment to save my people. How much I had wished that Clarke and the Skypeople would belong to my own, but since they were not I was forced to make a decision not with my heart but with my head. This choice was the hardest I ever had to do. Betraying Clarke and leaving her behind, it was like breaking my own heart myself, but is was necessary and I would do it again if I had to. Being heda is to be alone, this thoughts troubled my mind, while I was waiting for the Iceprince to bring Clarke. To bring the Skaiprisa that had fleed from her people alone in the Woods, after I forced her to destroy all the mountain people. She killed everyone of the Maunde that stood in the way of her people safety even thus that helped them against Cage. How I wished I never made her choose such a cruel decision that she had to make. But surving stands on the face of sacrifice. If anyone knew that then it was me, because I had to choose my people over the one i loved more then even Costia. I had never thought I would be able to love someone more then i had with Costia. It had broken me when I found her head in my bed that night six years ago. I was a broken mass and without Anya and Gustus I probably wouldn't have been able to overcome my mourning over my first love. But later when i had enough of crying myself to sleep in my private bedchamber or raging on what I wanted to do to the ice queen, I decided that I had to do what was best for my people and that would NOT be war with the Ice Nation. 

I made the Azgeda the twelfth clan of the kongeda and didn't even took revenge on what the Az Kwiin took from me. I hated it but i knew it was the right thing for my people. But I would not overlook it again if Nia got a chance to take a loved person once again from my hold. Even if said person hated me for betraying her. While waiting there in my throneroom I wondered if clarke ever would be able to understand my decision. Would she ever be able to forgive me for leaving her that night?

Three months had passed since my betrayal on the person I loved more then everything. I knew it was the right choice for the safety of my own, but not the best for my own wellbeeing. After I had to betray the blonde Angel from heaven it was the first time that I really hated being the commander more then ever. I hated that I could not choose what would be for MY best but always had to think about all the warriors, all the villagers that swore fealty to me. Leaving Clarke Griffin to her own ripped me to pieces. 

After I found out that the Mountain still fell even though we betrayed the skaipeople I was so glad to hear that Clarke got all of hers out safely. But I was devastated when I found out that she left her people alone just with her gun and a knife. I was so troubled about her safety, since I knew that the woods weren't a place for one loner to survive long. The animals were dangerous in this world post Prime Feya, even for those who knew how to survive on the ground. But Clarke lived on the ground only since few months and that worried me more then i wanted to admit. Thats also why I had sent someone to look for her and bring her to me, but definitly after I got word that Queen Nia wanted to get her hands on Wanheda the commander of death to get her powers. I knew from the first moment that Nia wanted her hands on the Skyheda just to torment me and to get the Azgeda to fear Nia even more when she seemed to have the power over death. I could never let that happen. 

I was very sure that when the blonde Leader would be entering in few seconds and standing before me she would show me nothing but hate. Hate that I would gladly accept, as long she would stay save from the clutches of the Ice Queen that already took so much from me. I earned Clarkes hate. I had left her to die at that mountain, even though we had kissed right before the start of the battle. Few hours before I had to betray her and her people. A kiss that had hold so much meaning for me. This kiss was one of the things that made my decision to leave the battle, much more harder for me, since my heart screamed to just turn around and go back to her, but I had to think with my head not heart. I Remember that I had to force my face to stay strong, to not betray how I felt about leaving her, leaving my niron. But my eyes worked against me that time. I still remember how I let one single tear slip, before I turned my back to the Skaiprisa and left. I just left knowing she and her people would probably not survive this night. But they did and I was never more thankful then when I got word that the skaikru survived and the Mountain had fallen

Right now I was sitting on my wooden Throne. Only my guards were here with me, right as Roan the banished Prince brought the one person to me that I dreamed about every night since I had to leave her behind. Wanheda how she was now called after she had destroyed the mountain and all its inhabitants. A linen Sack was thrown over her head and hid her beautiful blue eyes. eyes like the sky that I so often watched to get my mind calmer. My eyes were cold and my face stoic. I was prepared to face Clarkes wrath, but I was angry that she was treated like a mere prisoner. With my eyes I pierced the man beside her that had brought her in. Anger boiled in my veines as I saw minor injurys on her pale skin. I had ordered that she was not to be hurt when bringing her to polis. As I saw my command was not listened to. „I told you to bring her unscathed to me Prince Roan“ I growled angry as I slowly neared the the blonde angel who had her wrist bond with ropes that cut in her skin. Without my command Roan took down the sack from her head and such pure hatred met with my green soulmirrors. Hatred that was just for me and that I had awaited to see when standing before her. But even though I was prepared for such feelings from my angel it still hurt to see it directed at me.

I did not listen to Roans words on why clarke was not unscathed but instead I commanded with cold voice that we would be left alone with just her and me after i ordered my Guards to help her up and take the ropes from her Wrists. The urge to just hold her in my arms was strong, but i knew that was just dreamthinking. She would never let me, not with this much hate that she had for just me. For the person she probably thought had played with her feelings. But I never played her. My love for her was the strongest I had ever known. Even though I knew that it was weakness. My weakness just for this girl of the Sky. 

A long time passed in which she and I just locked eyes with each other. Mine stoic but still with a hint of sadness, while in hers I just saw rage, hate for me but more so of herself, but also sadness and pain. At least I guessed she also hated herself and not just me, cause she had to kill kids who had done no sin or people who had helped us against the warriors of the mountain. When the silence stretched to long that i was getting restless, I finally broke it just with one whispered word. „Cl...arke...“ Sadness quelled in my Voice as I just said her name, since it hurt me to see so much rage directed at me. Knowing what you have to await and seeing it right then is two different things. I knew she would probably hate me, but this this was more then I had guessed. 

„Clarke, i know you hate me. You feel betrayed, but I had to do it Clarke. I had to do it for my people. I had to think on them and not on what my heart wanted. You know that my first priorty are my people. I am Commander of my own and as such I have to make decisions based on my head not my feelings. I will never be just a woman, I have a duty to my own and you know it. If I wouldn't need to wield this burden then I had choosen you Klark, but i couldn't be selfish“ I tried to explain why I had betrayed the blonde princess. Not even once I looked away from the goldenhaired goddess before me. While I tried to read her expressions. Tried to read her like a book. But the rage didn't vanish from her skyblue eyes and right when I finished talking it was like al hell broke lose right infront me. It seemed like the blond suddenly exploded into rage. It was no suprise to see her like this but still it hiurt to know, that it was my fault that she became like that. I had suspected she would react badly to my words, but that she just suddenly attacked me right where I stood, took me by suprise. When I finally understood what happened I found myself at the ground of my throneroom. My back against the cold floor and Clarke right above me. Both of her hands were wrapped tightly around my throat and I had trouble to breath. Her nails pierced into my flesh. Her raged face just infront of my own, while she pressed the air out of my body. If she would be anybody else i already would have tried to break this hold on my lifeline, but since it was her i did nothing then just watch with deep sadness while her hold on my throat strengthened. 

I felt how my life fleed from my crasp, how with each push from her I was cut from air that my body needed to survive. My hands lay still against Clarkes own, that stopped my airsupply.But I didn't even try to break her hold on my throat, instead I just looked deep into her eyes in that I saw so much different emotion fighting alltogether. I saw it, saw that she probably wished that I would give her more reason to hate me, but that I did nothing to stop her seemed to make her feel troubled. But I had made the decision, that I would just accept her Fury, even if that means her killing me with her own hands. If that would at least help her to overcome her hatred. Seconds passed, while breathing became with each second that passed harder. I felt myself weaken, but still did nothing then just stare sad into the Eyes of the person I hold deeply in my heart. When almost darkness crept into my awareness of my surroundings my throat suddently was freed. I gasped for air while realising, that Clarke hat loosened her hold, while looking at me with stormy blue Saphires. Finally her voice broke the silence that was just disturbed from my gasping for air. „You betrayed me Lexa, I trusted you and still you betrayed me. You turned your back to me leaving me behind to die.....“ came the accusation out of her wonderfull lips, while finally tears started to séarch a way down the face of Wanhedas. 

Still I just returned her look with a sadness in my green Smaragde while I felt my black blood dripping from the small wounds at my neck that her nails had made while choking me. I felt her tears drop down on my Skin merging with my body and reaching my soul. Every being of me screamed in Pain for her Hurt soul. I hated seeing my Princess so devasted so hurt and so conflicted with her Emotions that raged in her soul. Seeing her so broken like this it was as if a sword pierced right through my heart. I never wanted to see her like this, but it was my fault that she now was so broken. 

„Because of your betrayal... I had to kill so many. innocent peasants.... People who helped us in the Mountain....“ slipped the quiet words of her mouth with such brokeness in her strained voice that I felt like she just stuck a knife right in my chest, where my heart lay. But her hands had left my throat for real now, but she was still sitting on my body holding me down with her weight. As soon as her hands had left my airsupply alone I took hold of her small filigrane hands and entwined mine with hers. Then I whispered raspy an answer. My voice felt weak and rough from Clarkes attack, but that did not stop me from talking to my angel. „I wish that I never would have been forced to do that to you Clarke. But you still saved your people from the Mountain even though I left you there. You are strong, you know that it is a burden to be a leader. Like me you know of the burden of a Leader, but you are strong ennough to do whats right for your people.“

My voice was just a whisper, while my finger slowly carressed her skin of her hands to give her some kind of peace, to show her that she was not alone with all this hurt. From the raged blonde was nothing left, instead she just sobbed quietly and full of hurt bend over me. Our Hand entwined and her cheeks stained with her cryed tears. So much hurt in her blue windows of the Soul. Eyes that I so got used to seeing and loving, even though I never said it out aloud. Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Days? I can`t really say how long we just layed on the ground. She still crying and sobbing with all her heart while I tried to comfort her. Her tears dropping down on my face, but I did not mind that. As long as I could be there for her and just hold her like that. Our hands entwined. I still did not mind the small cuts on my throat that bleed alittle. Also that my skin was showing signs of her choking me was without meaing at this moment. I felt no hate for that what she had done, she had every right to attack me after what I did, but now I just wanted to ease her pain as best I could. 

But after awhile I finally sat up and gently pulled her more against my body. Without a word I just wrapped my arms around her sobbing body. Leaving the ghost of a kiss between the place right where shoulder and neck met   
After awhile I finally put some space between our bodies, but just so that I could gentle take her face between my hands, staring right trough her soul and pressed my lips against hers. When our lips finally became one it was like my whole body was burning on fire. But that did not stop me from enjoying the kiss till the fullest. „I love you Clarke, you are my angel, who showed me, that the motto of Jus Drein Jus Daun is not the right one, that it is old and should be changed. Because it only creates more hurt and pain, mor death and would never end, if no one makes the first step to a new future.“ This words came quiet from my lips, after I broke the kiss, but there was just honesty in my green mirrors. I was heartbroken when her eyes spillled more tears, while she showed a deep remorse, while her hands gentle ghosted over the bruises on my neck, that she had left when trying to kill me because of her anger. Sad but with love, I took her hands back into mine and tried to comfort her with words. „Dont my angel, you had every right to attack me, but now you are here with me and I am with you. Let us start anew arä of peace, where there wont be lived after the codex an eye for an eye and so on“

When I noticed her small nod, I could not supress a little smile, that showed itself on my face. It felt good, that she wrapped herself closer around me, while her head was burried inbetween my breasts. Right now I did not know where her body began and my own ended, it was like we were one single body. „I forgive you, Leksa....“ came quiet words against my chest and I felt full of joy at her promise of forgiveness for my betrayal. Gentle I stroked over her head, holding her close to me, when I gave her my thanks for this four single words, that meant the world to me. „Thank you Klark of the skypeople“ Finally I closed my eyes, our bodys entwined and just kneeing there on the floor, till we both finally fall asleep arm in arm and at peace but exhausted without even trying to change our position to one that would be more comfortable. .


End file.
